Carers, family members and friends burn out slowly and then feel guilty about it. The guilt is what keeps it going, because a sense of responsibility that runs twenty-four hours a day leaves no room to admit that you are running out.

Two things are true at once. You are doing something that matters. And you cannot keep doing it indefinitely by ignoring your own situation.

Guilt is not a reliable signal

Nearly everyone in this position reports feeling that they are not doing enough. That feeling appears to be almost independent of how much they are in fact doing. It is not evidence that you are failing. It is closer to a permanent background condition that comes with caring about someone at risk.

Guilt becomes a problem when it starts doing something specific: preventing you from sleeping, preventing you from setting a boundary, or preventing you from telling anyone what your own week has been like.

Boundaries that hold

  • Set a phone window. Being reachable at every hour is not sustainable, and it is not what keeps people safe either. Agree which hours you are available, and make sure the crisis numbers cover the rest. This is not abandonment. It is staffing a rota of one person properly.
  • Do not promise secrecy. If someone asks you not to tell anyone, do not agree to a promise you may have to break. “I will not tell anyone unless I think you are in danger” is honest, and it can be said kindly.
  • Do not become the only person. Insist on a second person, even where that means involving a service the other person would rather avoid. A single point of failure is as poor a design here as anywhere else.
  • Say when you have had enough. “I need to stop for tonight, and I will call you in the morning” is a complete sentence. It is generally received better than a slow withdrawal.

Get support of your own

Supporters often assume that crisis lines are not meant for them. They are. Samaritans, for example, states explicitly that you do not have to be suicidal to call, and its volunteers regularly take calls from people who are supporting someone else.

Routes that help, in rough order of how quickly they can be reached:

  • A doctor's appointment for yourself. Stress, broken sleep and low mood are treatable in their own right, and you are entitled to care that is about you rather than about the person you support.
  • A carers' service. Most European countries fund some form of carer support offering counselling, respite and practical advice. It is usually funded separately from mental health services, which is one reason it is underused.
  • A peer group. Other people in the same position are frequently more useful than professionals at the specific problem of the small hours.

The long view

Supporting someone through a crisis is usually a matter of months and sometimes years, and the shape of it changes over that time. What works is closer to a steady and unremarkable presence than to a heroic effort. The heroic version is not sustainable, and the person you are worried about is generally better served by you still being there in six months than by you having given everything in six weeks.

If you are the person at risk rather than the supporter, start at Get support.